Monday, May 25, 2009,5/25/2009 07:13:00 PM
This is like the first time I've realised I'm such a lousy daughter. Like the lousiest one on Earth even maybe. I see my mother and I see a good mother. I see myself and I see a crappy daughter. An unappreciative girl who does nothing much for her mother. I've felt guilt towards my mother but this is the strongest time yet. I can't even squeeze out a "THANK YOU FOR PREPARING DINNER". Like nobody really really appreciates her. My grandmother is like complaining all the time, my brother doesn't say anything, I suck like crap and my father, the only one who appreciates her most of the time has gone for his formal dinner): I feel like crap. You know, poo.
I can't resist snapping at her at times when I'm PMS-ing or something. Or just plain bad mood. And yet I complain each time she's in a bad mood. Which isn't often. Just because she's my mum she doesn't have bad moods? Like she isn't perfect you know. Gosh I'm such a lousy person.
I think I haven't hugged her. In months. That's like horrible. OH MY G WHAT THE HECK IS WRONG WITH ME.
And I can't help feeling that I'm getting further and further away from God. It's my fault and I'm still procrastinating. Though I don't claim to be a good Christian, I'm a hypocrite all the same. Blasphemy. But I really don't know how to do it. How to stop all this. How to get closer to God. It seems as if there's a wall between us. A real solid wall. I can't breakthrough and I'm not going to in like a while.
Maybe in a few years. Is there even time anymore? I don't think so. Maybe he's mad but I really don't know how I am going to get through this time without God. There's like nothingness left. If that's even a word.
Maybe it's time to reflect.
My life is going haywire nowadays.
I guess this picture will put a smile on my face, even if it's only for a while.
What happened to that smiling girl in the mirror?
