i hate you.
stop controlling my life.
get it? stop controlling MY life. MY life. MY LIFE.
it's mine, not yours. get a life of your own.
stop friggin' out at every small thing i do and scolding/nagging.
what is your problem? why can't i even do ONE small thing that I want to?
Not everybody has to go home straight away after school without wasting any time and even if they go home late, they wouldn't get nagged at and asked why why why are you so late.
damn you, if i wanted to rebel, i wouldn't have stayed in this home any second longer.

but i didn't.
because i respected you.
i tried my best in almost everything i did, hoping not to get a scolding from you everyday.
whenever i get bad results back, you scold me. you nag at me.
don't you understand that i feel bad enough knowing this shitty results?
why do i have to get it all over again from you when i get home?
why don't you understand that feeling of choking and swallowing back those tears?
do you know how i try to control my tears in school, at home? when can i let it out? let it loose.
why don't you TRY to even understand how disappointed i am at myself when i get back those results?
why do you have to give me that experience twice?
don't you know how i feel?
i feel damn horrible enough already and you just have to add on to my troubles and sorrows.
don't you realise and understand the reality of my problems that i can't share with anybody?
if i do my best, and get bad results, you scold me.
if i do my best, and get good results, you nag at me.
"oh you could have done better, you would have if you worked harder, study more next time" and all the crap you give me.
so what? my best apparently isn't ENOUGH for you?
then what's the point of trying my best like this?
how can i try my best without any motivation?

i can't respect you anymore.

even if i want to go home with a friend at moelc, you control me like a control freak.
"no, it's not appropriate at this time, no it's too tiring"
every single small detail you fuss and scold.
oh they say it's for your own good. but you putting me down like this?

it's called good?

where did i go wrong?
i'll try to correct myself.
i really will.
if somebody cares.

i try to understand.
i hate it when others scold their own mothers.
i try never to scold you, never to screeeam vulgarities at my own mother when i'm alone.
because i know it's for my own good.
but this? i feel like calling you a b**** but it would be wrong.
i would just be like those people who call their own mothers losers.
i would be disappointing God.

but why can't you even attempt to understand me?
i feel like buckling down from all the pressure.
all the problems.
but yet i try to stay strong.
at school, i stay quiet to prevent myself from bursting out.
at home, i control my anger and sadness.
i stop myself from crying, crying at school, crying at home.
stopping the tears at my throat.

smack myself to stop crying for the fear that anyone would see. and worry.
will they?

i know you care.
i know you love me.
but you don't try to understand my feelings and what i'm going through.
those problems, you'll never understand. when i tell you, you will tell me i'm too young to be going through all these.
but in truth, these problems are overwhelming me.
when i get quiet, you nag and ask me questions.
when i'm feeling down, you still ask me questions.

you don't know me you don't even care.
you don't know me you don't wear my pain, my chains.

i try hard not to blow up. but it's hard.
when at school i'm feeling down, it's like they try to comfort me. but nothing seems to work.
and it's not like each time i'm quiet i'm emo right?
i don't seem to have real friends with some exceptions.
i can't seem to talk to any of my friends about the problems.
they don't seem to care.
they don't seem to be able to see me for who i am.
i can't seem to act normally in front of them, aroundthem.
i'm not myself anymore

sometimes i'm not even sure who are my friends anymore.
i don't even know who i am anymore.

selfish people who only care about themselves?
everyday at school i seem to be happy.
sometimes.
my first impression, you might think i'm one of those eversohappy girls.
but under that big fake smile.
under those big fat lies.
you don't know what's going on.
whenever i think of those people, my heart starts to sink.
they don't bother, do they?
they don't try, do they?
they're just selfish, aren't they?
they're not my friends, are they?
they just show fake concern, don't they?
they don't even notice if i'm missing, do they?
insignificant.
invisible.
unimportant.
even if i'm missing, they don't try to show concern.

i'm bursting.
some kinda unwanted piece of nothingness.
i can't take it anymore.
one time i'll just deflate. like a balloon. and burst. into pieces. maybe never to be seen again.

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