hellos(:

this is my 333rd blogpost.

shall blog about the stupid stuff first.
i was worrying about the stupid drama poem the whole night. and then i was like i CANT FIND IT! to kellylow and then, i saw it in my file, then i was like;heh, i found it. LOL i am so blur D:

and during SCIENCESCIENCESCIENCE we saw our BACTERIA!*happyhappy look*8D
mine was the cleanest of the four of them(me, kellylowlowlow, liuting and twinneh:D) MUAAHAHHAHAHAHAHHAA thankyou thankyou:D
and when me and liuting did the experiment, our bacteria all dunno go where lahh doodoobird D:
today during chinese, was like rushing maths worksheets with sici, then felt guilty to sulaoshi then stopped doing, then sici also:D

stupid projects, have to do the stupid hist brochure;research on bones;practise for xiyouji;HOMEWORK;STUDY for tests D:
luckily no test next week or i will just ERUPT.yea like in RED.
i have a bad feeling about my zuowen D: like only me and sherry were doing DUTY! where were the rest, huh???so irresponsible >:\\ some never put up chair and bag >:\\
one thing good i guess...test week is OVERRRR:DDDDDDD

our squad seems more cliquey than ever):
please, try making an EFFORT? i'm so sick and tired of this.

ohmyoli:D hugging huggyBEARBEAR(lee bin) can CURE any SADNESS:DDDDD janice and sici also(: but huggyBEARBEAR is my BEARBEAR:D
janice said i was too boney D:

now about the more serious stuff.

haven't been doing my quiet time for a long time D: feels like i have disappointed many people this year. especially God.don't know what's wrong, like im on a permanent hiatus. wait, i still have the passion but no ignition. no time is really a stupid excuse. have to pray for my bro!! he's a "christian" but what christian doesn't really believe in miracles and in God's existence?doesn't even want to go to tm412. more like he hates it.

my AMA and my uncle are on bad terms now. My grandmother doesn't want anything to do with my uncle anymore. too extreme right? my poor deardear uncle....i guess it's a bit of his wife's fault. oh well, it's affected the whole family, including my p1 cousin tsktsk D: hope that my grandmother can stop being angry at my uncle soon. just have to pray and have faith . I don't wanna be dragged inside, but I don't know what to do to resolve the problem. oh well, at least my mother is trying. my father is like making non commital replies -.-

anyway, yea, never mind at least I have shared the gospel with 2 people this month:D worth celebrating(: i shall continue sharing God's word with those who need it:D

what exactly is a blog for? huggyBEARBEAR asked something like that too. actually,not sure either. wanting people to read how you feel everyday? maybe just for fun. like a non private diary? write meaningful stuff isn't it? not many people do;they just write about their day. i shall find a topic to do everytime i blog:D
like blog about more meaningful things. like this:D philosophies etc. rgs students should be good at that since they actually have it as a subject.

death
guess that's my topic for today.
remember about the recent case of this ns man who died? in brunei? well, I know the girlfriend's blog address yupp, http://www.charleneyl.blogspot.com/
it's really very sad. she recently moved so you can't see like some of her past posts which were like super sad D:
it's her birthday soon. i wonder, i wonder how she would celebrate it. without him.
this is one of her recent posts:

It had been raining for most of the nights,
so much rain it made everyday
seemed so restless and gloomy. . .
It could rain in the morning, the humid afternoon . . .
of all timings, but the evening and night.
I remembered us talking about the weather,
i said i'm in favour of cloudy day, if not then let it rain.
Only then, i can cuddle in his warm embrace.
He then said he'll love the sky to rain everyday,
he'll always be there to offer warmth.
We both smiled. A very genuine one.
I remembered sharing with him my theory of
why weather pose a threat to relationships.
I said, the hot weather make one easily agitated,
pespiration flow like rain, everyone seem to just melt away,
and i'll give him a silly act of myself melting away.
He laughed and stared at me in disbelief.
Tomorrow's the 49th day.
Our life's nothing but just numbers isn't it.
We begin with our Birth-day,
and conclude with our death-day.
I can't help but feel a lingering heartache on the
4th, 11th, 21th and 25th.
They were once my favourite days, but now . .
they're 4 painful numbers to remind me of my lost.
I actually dreamt of him last night.
I tossed and turned in my bed,
i cried and begged him to come to my dreams . . .
Maybe he heard me, or maybe the dream
was created subconsciously by me -
I remembered him with me in a small room,
I remembered crying and telling him i knew he's not dead.
I said i always knew he's not dead,
he held my hands, and our hands traced those dissecting scars,
very long deep scars, but they were all healed.
He said he missed me . . .
That was it, all that i remembered.
I searched my dreams, to see if i could still remember more.
Nothing.
I worried he might have told me something else,
but i just couldn't recall . . .
Unbelievable, i hate myself.
The hardest part of dreaming
about someone you love is having to wake up.
Not long after his departure,
I thought i'll never make it,
without him i'm nothing . . .
I don't know what is there to look forward,
where do i go from here.
The pain, it infiltrated everything.
A friend once asked if i'll do something silly,
i thought she was very brave, to have asked.
And that question did caught me by surprise.
I jokingly said no, even if i do,
i want a fast, peaceful death.
How could it be fast and peaceful if i end it myself?
whoever decides life will take me away,
someday.
I've been well, i guess.
I eat healthily,
i go out,
i joke,
i laugh.
I'll be even better, soon.

it's always the people that get left behind that hurt the most.
that's really true. those that die get to go to heaven(well, some) but those that didn't, those that are left behind, they are left behind to suffer. to bear the pain of losing someone that they love. forever. to bear that cross, until they let go. it isn't as easy as it seems...though I have never REALLY been through it before, and I can't really UNDERSTAND and feel what those poor victims feel, but you can't really like, comfort them or tell them to move on. move on? yea, right. on what basis can you tell them that? be better? be better?? how? how can you just forget those who died? well, not forget, but truly let go, and move on, they say time heal wounds. does it? does it really? i have wounds from the past too(but not death) and i have let go. but, whenever i think about it, it's still too painful. time doesn't really heal wounds. the wounds open with a searing pain each time you think about them. the scars from the past will always be there. never ever fading.
how do you be careful around those who are hurt? those who get left behind? how do you act? just openly talk about it and watch them cry their guts out, just cry it out, and even you can feel the pain they feel(not as much though) just by looking at them. you're just helpless. they're helpless. they don't know what to do without their loved one. you don't know how to act in front of them without being abnormal. things will change.
you can't forget it. you will just get reminded of it, again and again. when you purposely try to avoid it, the more it comes back to you, like a haunting past.
i wish you were here.
i wish you could hear me.
can you hear me, from the heavens and above?
that's what they say, they want the person to be there with them, in the past, right this moment, the future, and forever. but it's inevitable, the person is gone...how do you face up to reality? schools don't teach you how to recover from hurt, do they? they can't give you that special painkiller to numb everything around you, can they?
you'll never know when it will end. that dull aching pain.
this is the smses he sent her. in the past.

''Baby must be sleeping tight now.Hugs. I hugging you to sleep. Wan an muck''-Clifton <3

''Baby. So late den sleep! You wan me to kill you huh!''-Clifton <3'

'My naughty princess must be asleep rightBoo ha. Wan an. I love you!''God bless you with love luck and foreverness Lol''-Clifton <3

''Beep beep.........Shhhh not so loud.I'm here to look at my girlfriend only.Just to check if she's alright.A kiss on her cheek and lips hoping she's okay''-Clifton <3

"Baby i love you sleep le right.Watch you over and protect you whole night Muack''-Clifton <3>

it's so sweet, it makes you ache to think his life ended.
it gets harder each passing day.
while the sun still shines, while the people still go on with their lives, while love is still alive, while the world still rotates on its axis, it's like your life stops. and the pain starts. time wouldn't stop for you. never. ever.
accepting death, it's harder than hard.
the blog is really very sad, i cried alot when i read it. i hope she gets better. somehow.

Many memories in my mind,Some I laugh, Some I cry.The times we shared, The laughs we had.Realizing that's all I have to hold on too,Only memories, Of what once was you.Missing your laugh, I will never again hear.That is the reality that fills me with so much fear.No more smile on your face,No more warmth of your embrace. . .I'll go on living for youKnowing that you're always here.Someday together we'll be,But, until then, many people will take care of me.So, keep on watching, it won't be long.That from this world,I'll be gone.Into your loving arms once again.

A hug to chase off the fear,
A kiss to stop the tears from rolling. . .
A shoulder to lean on

where can i find that paradise of mine? when can i find true love? what's true love? am i in love? how can i have the right to be in love when i don't know what love really is? why am i so abnormal? having to pretend to be happy when i'm not, that's not who i truly am. who am i?

hope is grief's best music

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